On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
