i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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