theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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