hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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