I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
