You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
