Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
