i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
