i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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