We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
