I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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