come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
