i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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