Are we in a gay sports bar?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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