If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
even my farts smell like vagina
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
