i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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