all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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