guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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