When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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