I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
