sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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