dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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