I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
