i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
