i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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