We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
