Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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