its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
