just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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