Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
