Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
