I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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