see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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