Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
