Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize