It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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