The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
