i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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