Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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