No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
