chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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