I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
how drunk are you?
Several
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
