I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
