oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
