im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
