I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
