Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
