im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
