hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
