we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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