my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
