if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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