I feel like abortions should bother me more
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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