New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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