Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
