Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
