Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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