a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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