woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
