Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Randomize
