I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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