i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Did I show you my penis last night?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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